I Knew and I'll Never Know
by Angel Leviathan
Summary: Some things you thought you always knew, could depend on.
1. Trusting You

Title: I Knew, and I'll Never Know

Author: Angel Leviathan

Rating: PG-13 in case

Spoilers: Anything, everything.

Season: 7

Notes: Well this one crept up on me. I know I have a load of fics to finish and I'm writing even more that aren't even SG-1, but if I don't write these things down then they go round and round in my head and bug me forever. Anyway, some of this is how I'd feel if I were Sam, considering the position she's in.

-

Sam smiled and tried not to laugh, "I never did ask you what happened during those time loops."

Daniel shook his head, "Probably best not to ask."

"No, really, what did you do?" she laughed, leaning back against the door.

Jack stared at the computer screen for a few seconds, "That's between me, Teal'c and the walls of the SGC."

Daniel raised an eyebrow, but didn't push the subject, "Are you done yet? Or am I still needed?"

The Colonel blinked, "Anybody would think you were trying to escape, Daniel Jackson."

"Well, that's one thing I don't.." he paused, "..think I missed," he shook his head, still not exactly sure what had happened during his ascended days, "Was you ringing through to my office every other hour asking for a name or reference to the culture we just encountered. I should be credited at the bottom of your reports."

"That's pushing it," Jack gave a half grin, "Nah, I'm done. Well, nearly."

"Now I can get back to my book," Daniel stood and opened the door to Jack's office, "Anyone needs me, I'll be in my office, coffee in one hand, book in the other," he grinned at Sam and shut the door behind him.

"Fixed the fault, Sir, or can I head after Daniel?" Sam questioned.

"I think its fixed," Jack replied, "But if you hear screaming and swearing as you walk down the corridor, I expect you to come running, Major."

"Yes, Sir," she smiled. She paused half way out the door, "What did you do in the time loops?" she asked quietly.

Jack frowned, "That was nearly three years ago, Carter."

Sam raised an eyebrow, "Then why wont you answer the question?"

"Sit back down and promise not to tell a soul?" 

"Sure," she closed the door and took a seat.

Jack's voice took on the tone of an over enthusiastic interviewer, "Well, we played some golf, learnt a lot of Latin-"

"The interesting stuff, Sir," Sam smiled.

"Patience, Major," he held up a hand, "I believe Teal'c slammed a door in an SF's face.."

"Really?" 

"Or so he admits. I think I rode a bike through the SGC…tried my hand at pottery-"

"You, pottery?" she laughed.

"I wasn't that bad by the end!" Jack protested, "What else…" he paused, "Confused and annoyed Daniel a lot…" he trailed off and suddenly wouldn't look at her.  
"What?" Sam was still laughing, "It can't be that bad. Come on, tell," she smiled.

He was silent for a few more moments. He could lie. No, that wouldn't work. He didn't like lying to anybody, unless he had to, and especially not his team and her. Make something amusing up? Keep her laughing? No. It'd been three years…..still he didn't know how to gauge her reaction, "…And…I er…..kissed you," he winced internally.

Sam kept laughing to try and hide the sudden stab of pain in her heart. Kept laughing for at least another minute, trying to sort out things in her head…..then she trailed off into complete silence, staring at him, "…You…did what?"

"…I kissed you…" he said in an even tone.

"Oh…" was just about all she could manage. A million questions were racing through her mind….

"Carter…?"

"…Did you not want me to remember? Did you not want me to know….?" Sam asked quietly.

"No! I mean, it wasn't like that," Jack tried.

"Then what was it?" she questioned, emotionlessly. 

He honestly had no idea what to say. That he wanted to kiss her for so long and so took the opportunity? That it had been the only way unless they both wanted court martial?

"….I wanted to kiss you…" he said, sounding quite lame, even to himself.

"Then why didn't you?" Sam shot back, still quietly, but almost immediately.

"You know why," Jack countered.

"No," she shook her head, "If you really wanted to kiss _me_….then why didn't you find a way to? There are plenty of ways that nobody would have seen you…" her heart hurt and talking seemed to be the only way she could keep it at bay for a few seconds at a time.

He blinked, "…You want me to kiss you?"

Sam stood up, "No….._no I don't…." she quickly backed away, opened the door and slammed it quite neatly behind her._

Jack stared at the door for a while in complete shock, before covering his face with his hands, "Damnit…."

-

She couldn't believe it. All these years and he hadn't said anything. Not that it was something that would come up in conversation…..but she trusted him enough to hope he would admit to something like that without prompting. And there she'd been, believing she was the one out of the two of them that she couldn't trust. But at the first opportunity…. Sam shook her head. It wasn't exactly a violation…..yet somehow it was. Then suddenly it hit her. She trusted him with her life…trusted him to keep her alive and protect her…..but she didn't trust him with _her_. Her feelings, her heart, her mind. Now that she could tell the difference between the two feelings…she wasn't sure if she could trust him in any shape or form. She cursed herself for asking the question. If only she'd kept her mouth shut- but did she want to go on ignorantly whilst he kept the knowledge of what he'd done to himself? She opened the door to her quarters and closed it quietly behind her, taking the few steps to the bed. Sam sat down on it, back against the wall. He was her CO, her leader, the man she had to have complete faith in. Except she didn't. Not anymore.

-

A few hours later, she had made her decision. It might be a bit extreme….but it would have to do. For now. Sam left her quarters and made her way to the Colonel's, rapping quietly on the door. Getting no answer, she opened it slightly and looked inside. She saw Jack lying on the bed, eyes closed, chest rising and falling in the slow rhythm of sleep. Sam stepped inside and closed the door behind her, as silently as she could manage. She didn't move from the door.

"There's something I have to say to you," she said quietly, so as not to wake him. It was easier this way, with him sleeping. She could get her feelings off her chest without digging herself deeper into a hole, "I, er, I have to go away for a while. I think you're a wonderful leader and a exactly the man who should be second in command of this base…….but that's not _you is it? And after finding out what you did….I'm not sure I can trust _you_…at least…not where our feelings are concerned. I know it must show that you do have some sort of feelings for me….otherwise, why would you have kissed me? I know you act like a big kid sometimes and joke around a lot…but I don't think you'd play around with me like that. At least, I hope you wouldn't. So….I guess I can't tell anymore. Where the Colonel ends and you begin and which one of you cares for me at all, or even if you care about me, the person, or just the Major…." Sam shook her head slightly and stepped back toward the door, opening it again, "….I'm sorry you stole my heart….and I have to go before you break it.......again."_

-

"Sir? May I come in?"

"Major, of course," Hammond waved her into a seat, "What can I do for you?"

Sam sat down, "I'm not sure quite how to put this, Sir….but I know I have to do it. At least, for now."

The General frowned, "You're starting to worry me, Major."

"Not as much as I am myself, Sir," she straightened her shoulders and looked straight at him, "I'd like to request a transferral back to the Pentagon. At least, for now. I'm not sure if I want to come back." 

-


	2. Running From You

**Notes: One day back at College and already the work is piling up. Anybody who wants to see a couple of the music videos (S/J) that I've made (first attempts, bear in mind…) go to spacemonkey.hidden.nu and follow the links in the text. I cant direct link the files from here, sorry. Thanks for reviewing…this storyline just won't leave me alone…**

-

Hammond blinked, staring at her in an almost gob smacked manner, "Excuse me, Major?"

"I'd like to be transferred back to the Pentagon, Sir," Sam repeated, hoping her voice didn't waver.

"And the reason for your sudden decision?" he pressed.

She paused, "Not exactly personal, Sir, but not exactly professional either." 

"I thought you were happy here, you're the best scientist we have and you're third in command of this entire facility-"

"I know, thank you, Sir," she interrupted, "I guess…I just want a break. From having to look over my shoulder every moment, having to come up with the right answer in exactly the right time. I don't want to stop working and I don't want to stop helping the SGC….I just need to get out of here for a while," Sam held up a hand as the General tried to protest, "I know it may mean I can't come back….and I'm prepared for that eventuality."

Hammond seemed to be studying her for a moment, "You certainly seem to have thought this through."

"I have, Sir," she answered with a curt nod.

He sighed, "Its not going to be easy without you around, Major. I'm not going to pretend I understand your choice, because frankly, I don't. But I do understand the pressure you and SG-1 have been under recently," he nodded, "I'll make some calls and try to file the necessary paperwork."

"Thank you, Sir," Sam almost breathed a sigh of relief.

"Does Colonel O'Neill know of your decision?"

She stopped, not quite squirming in her seat, "No, Sir."

"Don't you think he has the right to?" Hammond frowned.

"No, Sir," she shook her head, "Ultimately, you are my superior officer and its you who will make the decisions over this. If at all possible, I'd rather this conversation didn't go any further than ourselves."

Something was definitely wrong, something that he couldn't see too deeply into, "Of course, Major," he tried to keep the note of disappointment from his voice, "But I'm certain Colonel O'Neil will be sad to see you go," he reached for the phone, "You're already on downtime, so, as I'm presuming the Pentagon will be glad to have you back, however long you're there, you can take whatever you require and go home. I'll contact you once I have word of your new placement."

"Thank you, Sir," Sam stood up and started for the door, opening it-

"And Major?" Hammond called after her.

"Sir?"

"Its not just Jack that's going to be sad to see you go," he started to dial a number on the phone.

The use of _his_ name caught her off-guard, "…..Sir," was all she managed to say, closing the door behind her and deciding that now was as good a time as ever to make a run for it.

-

_"….I'm sorry you stole my heart….and I have to go before you break it.......again."_

Jack mulled over the only words he'd heard her say, wondering why she'd been in his quarters in the first place. He lay flat on his back, hands behind his head, eyes closed. Damnit. Of all the stupid things to do…..that she didn't even have to know about. Ouch. Putting it like that _did_ make it sound like a breach of trust….and a major one at that. He winced again at the terms he used and sat up. 

_"….and I have to go."_

Go where exactly? What was she- oh no. She _was not going to run away from this. Jack stood up and bolted from his quarters._

-

"Daniel?" Sam knocked gently on the door to his office, it being already open.

"Sam?" he turned round, seeing her in civilian clothing and her leather jacket in her hand, "Where're you going?" he frowned.

She stepped inside, "Away…for a little while."

Daniel's eyes widened, "Why?" he asked in consternation.

"Because its something I have to do."

"I know you better than that, Sam," he shot back.

"Trust me, Daniel, its better if I go get my head together away from all this," Sam attempted a small smile.

Instead of delving deeper into the issue, he decided to distract her from it, "Where are you going?"

"Back to work for the Pentagon," she shrugged, "I'm keeping my house here, as I think I want to come back at some point, so I'll be renting something I guess."

"The Pentagon want you back so badly?"

"I offered to go," Sam replied. 

"…You what?" he blinked.

"I offered to go work for them again. I said I want to get out of here, not stop working."

Daniel stood up and faced her, "What's he done now?" he almost demanded.

"Excuse me?"

"Jack. What's he done that's making you do this?"

Sam shook her head, "Its nothing to do with him," she lied, "I just want a rest, Daniel, I want to be _me for a while."_

"I already said I know you better than that," he said gently.

She held her arms out, "There are things even I don't know about me."

"You wouldn't be doing this unless there was a good reas-"

She stepped forward and suddenly hugged him tightly, "Trust me, Daniel."

He gently held his arms around her, "….Its not going to be the same without you."

Sam smiled against his shoulder, "Well, its your turn to confuse people now."

"I'll do my best," Daniel laughed softly.

"I know you will," she hugged him more tightly, "I'm really going to miss you."

-

She reached behind the door and turned off the lights in her lab, slinging her coat over her shoulder. As she turned round, she felt a hand on her other shoulder, making her jump. Sam whirled round to be staring wildly into the eyes of Jack O'Neill.

"Carter."

"Sir," she nodded.

"What are you doing?" he questioned.

"Going home," Sam replied innocently.

"Then why's all your technical stuff packed away? And why the civvies?" Jack continued.

She suppressed a growl of fury, "Because I don't want anybody messing with it whilst I'm gone and I'm going out to dinner with a friend."

"You're a bad liar," he stated.

"It doesn't concern you," she snapped through clenched teeth, trying to walk away.

He effectively blocked her path, "What're you really doing, Carter?"

"Getting away from you!" flew from her mouth before she could stop it.

Jack stood there, somewhat shocked, "…Carter?"

Sam turned back round to face him, holding her jacket as if it could protect her from him, as a security blanket, "I'm sorry, _Sir, but I've talked to the General and its all sorted."_

"What's sorted?" he frowned.

"That's between me and the General," she nodded. Sam turned and started to walk away again.

Jack was left standing, utterly shocked, for a few seconds. So much for the chances of a reconciliation, "Major, I _order_ you to tell me what you're doing."

A short, bark of a laugh, escaped her lips, "…And that's exactly why I'll never tell you, _Sir_," she slung her jacket back over her shoulder, walking away, punching the button for the lift. She paid no attention to his protests as she hit the button for the surface and the doors closed on his stunned expression.

-


	3. Calling For You

Notes: Hmmm. I wanted to do a chapter where Sam just completely gets absolutely furious and just lets rip a line of cursing to Jack. But a) I'm too ashamed of using such language to do that, and b) Claire talked me out of it. But at the pub last night, Rini (Katherine) helped think of and thought this idea was acceptable, which Claire and I both approved of. So, thanks to both of you for helping me out! And thanks to you guys for reviewing!

-

Two Weeks Later….

She smiled at herself in the bathroom mirror, ruffling her hands through her now multi-hued blonde hair, straightening her skirt and exiting the facilities. It was only a short walk back to her office, laughing quietly at the sound of her heels clicking along the floor, she managed to control herself as she pushed open the door and stepped into her new domain. A flash of blue caught her eye, a blue that matched her own uniform, alerting her to the fact that there was another figure in her office, "Excuse me, but-"

"Carter," he said calmly. 

Sam narrowed her eyes slightly, "What are you doing here?"

"Shouldn't that be 'what are you doing here, Sir'?"

"No, _Sir,_ I don't report to you anymore."

"Well that's something that could have been rectified before you even left the SGC," Jack countered.

She sat down behind her desk, "If you don't mind, I have a lot of work to do."

"I can wait."

"I'm sure you can, but I don't have the time," Sam shook her head and grabbed a pen, attempting to ignore him completely, "I have to have these on my new CO's desk by tomorrow morning."

Jack sighed, "Carter."

Sam continued to write and paid him no attention.

"_Carter_," he tried again. Still no response, "_Carter_, come back with me, whatever it is, I'm sure we can work something out-"

"'Whatever it is'?" she stared at him, "You just don't get it, do you!? You don't have a fucking clue!" Sam fumed.

Jack blinked, more than a little shocked by her sudden outburst, let alone her language, "Excuse me?"

She stood up and flung her door open, "Get out."

"What?"

"_Get out. Now!"_ she repeated, "Or do I have to call for somebody to have you removed!?"

Jack stood up, "Now hang on a minute, Major-"

"_Colonel_ get out of my office," Sam shook with the effort to control herself.

He moved so he was standing right up against her, barely a centimetre between them, nearly pinning her against the door as he shut it, "…..Sam?"

"Sir?" she looked defiantly up at him.

He suddenly turned his attention to her lips, capturing them with his own with no hesitation. She responded before she knew what she was doing; her true senses suddenly kicking in, she made a weak attempt to push him away, as his lips trailed down her neck….she gave in and completely surrendered herself to his touch….

The buzzing started as their lips met again; she ignored it and decided instead to kiss him more passionately-

Sam rolled over and slapped her alarm clock into silence, sighing wearily and swinging her legs over the side of her bed, ready to wake up for another day of her new job.

-

"What do you mean you can't tell me where she's gone?" Jack demanded of Hammond for what seemed the hundredth time that week.

"She requested a transfer – it came through and she decided to take the job," he replied patiently. 

"A transfer to where? I'm her CO for crying out loud!" he exclaimed.

"And I am hers and yours, Colonel," Hammond frowned, "Major Carter may or may not be returning, when she makes a final decision. I found her a temporary posting and they were more than glad to have her."

"Where? Area 51? The Alpha Site-"

"You'd have known if she'd gone through the 'Gate, Jack," he chided, "She is still working for the USAF and seems very content with her new work, from what I've heard from her."

"She called you?"

"I asked that she did, so I could see how she was getting on," Hammond nodded. 

Jack shook his head, "General, please, I need to know where she is. I don't want to have to break in another team member if I don't have to," he tried, lying through his teeth.

"I'm sorry Colonel, but your next mission is scheduled for tomorrow, and I'm assigning you a new science officer for the time being."

"But, Sir-"

"Jack," Hammond sighed, "If she wants to come back, she will. Just wait for her decision."

He stood up, "….Yes, Sir…." Jack muttered, swiftly leaving the office, but not daring to slam the door, as he very much would have liked to.

-

"Jack?" Daniel looked away from his computer screen, "What's going on?" he frowned at the near furious look on his friend's face. 

"Hammond wont tell me where Carter's gone," Jack mumbled, starting to mess with one of the artefacts on the desk.

He reached across and plucked it from the Colonel's grip, "You don't know?" he paused.

"No, why?" Jack uttered. It suddenly dawned on him, "You know where she is. She told you."

"What makes you say that?" the archaeologist tried to backtrack.

"Daniel, where is she?" 

"She asked me not to tell."

"Daniel…"

"Jack, whatever you say, I'm not revealing her location against her wishes," he sighed.

"We're going to end up with another fourth tomorrow if you don't tell me," Jack threatened.

"Even if I told you now, we'd still end up with another fourth tomorrow," Daniel reasoned.

He shut the door to Daniel's office, "I'm not asking you this as your or her, CO-"

"Well I don't consider you my CO-"

"I'm asking you as her friend. We need her back. _I need her back," he stressed._

Daniel was quiet, seeing an opportunity, "Why do you need her back?"

Jack's eyes widened and he didn't answer immediately, "She's a good 2IC," he tried.

He shook his head, saved his work and shut down the computer, "If you can't even admit it to yourself…" he mumbled in dismay. Daniel stood up and opened the door-

"Daniel! Please, I need to know where she is. I have to get her back."

He glanced back at the almost distraught look on Jack's face. He sighed in defeat, "She's gone back to her old job."

"What?"

"Figure it out, Jack."

-


	4. Thinking of You

Notes: Thanks for reviewing, but can you guys please bear with me? I don't have a lot of time at the moment and for some reason, this fic seems to be the most exhausting I've written in a while.

-

"Sam? Sam? Wake up!"

She muttered a denial of the summons and yawned in protest.

"Sam, wake up, you're still here!"

Okay, now that was interesting. Sam opened her eyes and raised her head to discover that she was still at her desk in the Pentagon and somebody was standing over her, a concerned look on their face.

"You okay? You really shouldn't be pulling all-nighters, you know," Katherine looked down on her, "Honey, you look a wreck, go home, get some sleep!" the Major pulled the computer mouse from her hand.

"What time is it?" Sam sat back up and looked down at her now crumpled dress blues.

"11-ish. I don't know how long you worked before you came here, but this is a little extreme!" the girl only a few years younger than she exclaimed.

"Damn," she muttered, "I forgot to call the General…"

"Who?"

"General Hammond."

"Your old CO?"

Sam nodded, "I don't know how I fell asleep…"

Katherine smiled slightly, "Might have something to do with the fact that you were here first thing in the morning and have been working non-stop all day. You're putting the rest of us to shame!"

She laughed, "Sorry."

"Come on, grab your coat, there's a 24/7 coffee bar a couple of blocks from here," Katherine grinned.

"At this time of night?"

"Sure, coffee cures all ailments," she nodded, "Get moving, Sam."

Carter took her coat down from the hook on the wall, "I'm in no state to protest," she followed the girl out of her office.

"Then you're going home and not coming in until at least ten thirty," Katherine raised an eyebrow.

Sam frowned, "Since when do you outrank me?"

"Since I saw you asleep at your computer and can report that you're overworking yourself."

She gave a mock salute, "Yes, Ma'am."

-

"Talk about rude…"

"Talk about trigger happy!" Jack's eyes were wide, "I know I'm the first to reach for a weapon, but that's nothing compared to that guy!"

"He would have made a good First Prime," the distain in Teal'c voice was barely concealed.

"What, shoot first, ask questions later?" Daniel nodded.

"Indeed," Teal'c inclined his head slightly.

"Alright," Jack waved his arms, "That guy is not, and I repeat, not becoming our fourth. I do not have a death wish…yet."

"You've got to admit he's a good scientist though," Daniel offered in his defence.

"Not as good as Carter," the Colonel muttered under his breath.

"Have you not gone to retrieve MajorCarter, yet O'Neill?" Teal'c questioned.

"I only found out where she was yesterday," Jack gave Daniel a death-glare.

"Nothing to do with me," he held his arms up in protest.

"So you are aware of her whereabouts?"

"Yeah," O'Neill sighed, "She's gone back to her desk job."

"And?" Daniel pressed.

"And I couldn't exactly say, 'hey General, I'm off to find Carter, find somebody else to be CO of SG-1 for a couple of days, will ya?'"

The archaeologist shrugged, "We've got four days downtime now anyway. Captain…." he frowned, "What was his name?"

"Shooty McGun!?"

"Anyway, he's got injuries to recover from and Janet wont even let me off the base until she knows I don't have a concussion," Daniel continued.

Jack sighed, "She's pissed off enough at me already, I don't think she's gonna be pleased to see me appear in her office."

"You cannot predict her actions until you yourself take some action, O'Neill," Teal'c reasoned.

"Go find her, Jack," Daniel said quietly, "Its out of character enough for her to be running away. Something has to be really wrong for her to do this sort of thing."

"I have every intention of going to find her; when she's calmed down," he didn't mention their confrontation in the corridor a couple of weeks ago. He sighed and grabbed his coat, "Guess I should use this downtime constructively," he got up to leave the room.

"And Jack?" Daniel called after him.

"Daniel?"

"When you go see her, go as her friend….not her CO."

-

"So, what made you transfer back to us?" Katherine asked, peering over the edge of a steaming cup of coffee.

Sam winced and didn't answer.

"Sorry, didn't mean to pry."

"No, no, its okay," she nodded, "Things just got a little stressful, I guess."

"Well its not every officer that goes off-planet and saves the world every second Tuesday," Katherine lowered her voice.

Sam nodded absently.

"Ah," she latched on to it, "So its not just work."

She shook her head, but still didn't answer.

Katherine put her coffee down, "Its okay, Sam, I wont ask. All I'll say is, whoever is making you feel this way, he isn't worth it."

Sam's head shot back up, surprised at the Major's perceptiveness. Her eyes fell back to her coffee mug, "…..But what if he is?" she asked, more of herself than of Katherine.

The younger woman shrugged slightly, "If he is, he shouldn't be doing this to you."

"But what if I'm doing it to myself?"

"….Then you care about him more than you'd like to admit…"

Sam shook her head, "It doesn't matter. Nothing can happen anyway. I'm better off here, right?"

Katherine blinked a couple of times, "That's more of a question you should be asking yourself," she took a sip of her coffee, "Do you miss him?"

She didn't answer.

"Do you love him?"

"….I…don't know…" she managed.

"Does he love you?"

"…I don't know that either…" Sam uttered softly.

Katherine studied her for a moment, "…Do you need him?"

She looked down at the table, "….I…I guess so…"

"And above all; do you trust him?"

Sam didn't move, before shaking her head slowly, "….No…" she said, sadly.

"..Then that's an issue only the two of you can work out."

"It can't be worked out. It can never be worked out," she stated flatly.

"So you've become so accustomed to fighting everything you know, you're going to fight your own heart?" Katherine said gently.

"I can't love somebody I can't trust," Sam looked up, "and no matter how much I may need or want him…its just a fantasy that can never come true."

-


	5. Confronting You

Notes: Wheee! 18th Birthday!! Ahem. Moving on – thanks for reviewing and thanks again to Claire and Katherine for helping me out. ^^ Also, thanks to everybody who's made this a great day so far!! 

-

It was late the next day before Jack reached the Pentagon and even after that it took him a good hour to ascertain that Sam was working there and a further half hour to convince the overly official officials to let him see her. She wasn't even there after all that, her office was empty, so he took his hat off, took a seat and waited. And waited some more. Needles to say, he was somewhat frustrated when she finally appeared, flinging her coat over her chair and shutting the door back behind her.

"Carter."

Sam jumped and whirled to face the intruder. Her eyes widened as she caught sight of who it was, "Sir," she nodded, sitting down at her desk.

Jack blinked, "Not even going to ask why I'm here? Let alone why I got dressed up like this."

She shook her head, "I presume the SGC needs some information, Sir," she looked down at the desk, then at her computer screen, trying to rid herself of the thoughts of what had happened last time she'd played out this scenario, albeit in her subconscious. 

"Actually I came here of my own free will."

Sam bit back a sarcastic remark, "What can I do for you, Sir?" she absently tapped a few commands into the computer.

Jack sighed, "Carter?"

She ignored him and sent something to the printer to distract herself.

"Carter?"

Sam re-filled the paper-tray and waited patiently.

"_Carter?"_

Okay, now she was getting serious flashbacks. 

"_Sam?"_ Jack stood up and moved opposite the desk.

She looked up at the mention of her name, "Sir?"

"Why did you leave, Carter?" he questioned.

Sam glared defiantly, "I needed a break."

"Don't try that with me," he snapped.

"Sorry, _Sir_, but it's the truth."

"A break from what?" Jack pressed.

Sam sighed, exasperated, "A break from risking my life every other day. A break from being the woman who has to save the world. Just a nice, boring, desk job that I don't have to worry about."

Jack stared, "That's it?"

"That's it," she lied.

"Bull. Carter, I've known you for seven years and you've never run away from anything," he stated.

Sam stood up, "Think what you like, Sir, but you obviously haven't known _me_ for seven years, any more than I've known _you_," she crossed round her desk and retrieved something from one of the filing cabinets.

He nearly shut the drawer on her hand, "What's wrong, Carter?" he placed a hand on her shoulder.

She recoiled from his touch, "_Nothing, Sir. Now, if you don't mind, I've got some paperwork to finish."_

"I do mind."

"Well, sorry, but I don't report to you anymore."

"I'm still your superior officer."

Sam slammed the next drawer shut, "Yes, _Sir, you are, but you have no authority here. So kindly leave my office or retrieve whatever you came to get."_

"I came to get you back," Jack raised his voice.

"I'm staying right here," she refused.

He took a few steps toward her, neatly backing her against the wall, "What's happened to you, Carter?"

Sam shivered. She'd never actually been _afraid of him before, but she knew she was pushing her luck, "Frankly, _you_ happened to me, Sir."_

"What?" he blinked.

"Oh that's right, that's great, act like you don't know!" she fumed, "You say you have these 'feelings' for me, say you'd rather die than lose me, then you just back off and leave me wondering, you don't even dare tell me that at the first opportunity-"

"At the first opportunity I did what!?" Jack lowered his voice, "I took the chance to kiss you, knowing I could never do it in reality? I took the one chance I had to try and stop myself feeling this way, to protect you? I'll have you know I resigned before I did anything, even though I knew nobody would ever find out-"

"And you think that makes it better!?" she shouted at him, "I supposed to know you care because you tell me all this!? When you did it all behind my back, safe in the knowledge that I'd never find out! If you even cared at all-" she suddenly fell silent, "When it doesn't even matter."

"What do you mean by that?" he asked softly.

Sam blushed, "You know nothing can or will ever happen and we both know that you'll never take any action in the real world. And that's what it all boils down to, isn't it? What are you afraid of, Colonel!?"

"I'm afraid that _my_ actions will get _you _booted out of the USAF!" he raged.

"I'm a grown woman, I can damn well take care of myself!" Sam fumed. She shoved him away from her and retreated to the centre of the room.

Jack stared at her in silence for a few seconds, "You need to know I'll risk everything, everything we both have, to prove that I care for you?"

"No!" she exclaimed, "But the evidence speaks for itself! You violated my trust, you broke my trust in you and you didn't even have the guts to tell me!"

"You don't trust me anymore….?"

She gazed at him before she replied, gently, "I trust you, as an officer, as my CO….but I don't…I _cant_ afford to trust _you_…" she sighed softly, "….In the end….I don't know what _you'll_ fight for…and I don't know what you'll give up."

Jack reached out to her, "What do I have to do to get your trust back, Sam? What do I have to do to get _you back?"_

Sam tried to shrug him off, "…Nothing. Maybe its all in my head….maybe it isn't. I need this time to think…more than anything. Before I can come back to you guys-"

He folded her into his arms before she could protest, resting his head on the top of hers, "I'm sorry, Sam. I'm sorry I betrayed you…and I'm sorry you can't trust me anymore…"

She tightened her arms around him and tried to bite back a strangled sob, "…I love you….and I hate you…."

-


	6. Loving You

Notes: Meep. Thanks for the reviews; I'm writing this as it unfolds…but I desperately want to write something funny! 

-

"Why didn't you tell me all this before you left?" Jack asked softly, sitting on the 'new' sofa in her rented apartment, with Sam in his arms.

"..Because I couldn't…" she replied quietly, "..and I didn't know how you'd react. For all I knew…you could be over it now…and think I was just crazy."

"You don't know how scared I was when you ran off; I thought I'd never find you again," he rested his head against hers.

Sam frowned, "How did you find me?"

"Daniel."

"I told him not to-"

"I practically begged him."

"You? Begged?" she smiled slightly.

"I was desperate!" Jack protested.

Sam twisted to look back at him, "You were that desperate to get me back?"

He nodded.

"Why?" she frowned.

Jack looked down at her, "Because I didn't want to lose you. Because I didn't want to never see you again, knowing how we'd parted. I didn't want to live my whole life knowing I'd let you go after an argument over something stupid I did," he was silent for a few moments, "You think you can learnt to trust me again?"

She tilted her head, "If you hadn't have come after me….no, I don't think so. It would have meant you didn't regret violating my trust at all….but you did come after me…"

"And…?"

Sam's expression darkened and she released herself from his arms, walking away.

"Sam?" Jack called softly. He stood up and followed her, gently turning her round.

She didn't look up, "….Learning to trust you….will be easy. Leaning to trust myself…"

"I trust you….and I love you…"

She turned round and looked up at him, frowning slightly. She gently reached out and ran her hand across his chest until she met his neck, tracing her hand round so she could lower his head to hers. She gazed into his eyes for a moment, before allowing her lips to meet his own in a tentative kiss. She halted and drew back after a few seconds, afraid of getting lost and not being able to stop. Opening her eyes slightly, their faces mere centimetres apart, she saw he had done the same, appeared to be studying her on some level. Trying not to let her disappointment show on her face, closing her eyes against the pain, she tried to break away, only to be firmly held in place. Her eyes snapping instantly back open, she gazed steadily at him, until she found herself being tightly held against him, her head resting in the crook of his neck. She was content to stay like that for a few moments before she raised her head to meet his again, finding herself in a gentle but passionate embrace. She broke away all too quickly for her liking, again, breathless, not looking him in the eye. He traced a single finger down her jaw line and she shivered with reaction, as he gently eased her to look back up at him.

"Why the tears?" he asked softly.

She brought her hand to meet his, where he was trying to wipe the tears from her eyes. She had never even realised she was crying, "....It hurts..."

He gently rested his forehead against hers, "Why?"

She let out a quiet sob, "...because I love you...and I'm afraid.."

His arms encircled her more tightly as he gently kissed her forehead, "...I love you too."

"But what if-"

He silenced by covering her lips with his own, her arms sliding up around his neck, everything else faded away into the distance. Each lost in the other, offering both comfort and love, they abandoned themselves to the rush of emotion, catching up on what they had been missing for the years gone by.

Minutes later, she dared to look across at him, unshed tears still shining in her eyes, "I know…I ran away from you…but, don't ever leave me...please..."

He drew her head to rest on his shoulder, "...Sssshhh."

She broke away from him, walking a few paces away, looking back over her shoulder...

He stared after her, a little shocked by her abrupt movement.

Sam held a hand out, "You love me?"

He instantly closed the gap between them, ignoring her outstretched hand, "You don't need to ask," he captured her in an passionate and unquestioning kiss, feeling her surrender and lie softly against him.

Once he released her, she took a few paces back, again, and toward her bedroom, "Then don't ever hesitate..." she held her hand out again.

Jack didn't and the two met on equal terms, each willing to love and be loved, abandoning their most guarded selves to each other. 

-


	7. Knowing You

Notes: :::stares blankly::: Still lost my voice! Thanks for reviewing!

-

Later that night, Sam woke up to find herself alone in her bed. She rolled over to see that nobody was there, eyes widening in shock, followed swiftly by her face falling in dismay.

"Relax, Sam, I'm over here," Jack's voice carried from the other side of the room.

She twisted round to find him standing by the window, looking down at the darkened street. Sam smiled slightly in relief, before sitting up half way, "…What're you thinking?"

He didn't answer immediately, just kept staring out of the window.

"…..Jack?" she dared continue.

Jack retreated from the window and sat down on the edge of the bed, beside her, "Just thinking."

"About what?" Sam rested her head against his shoulder.

He sighed and looked back at her, "…I don't want you thinking I came here just to….you know."

She giggled softly, hiding a smile against his back, "I have more faith in you than that."

Jack turned round, "Do you? Because, believe me, I came here to get you back, I had no intention of-"

"…Taking advantage?" she raised an eyebrow.

"I guess you could call it that."

Sam shook her head, "…I have never let a man 'take advantage' of me and I damn well wouldn't let you unless I was absolutely sure."

He frowned, "But one minute you're saying you cant trust me, the next we're….."

"Some things are easy to fix….if you want to fix them that badly. If you already have enough faith in and love for that person….some things just fade away and seem so trivial…" 

"I wouldn't say 'trivial' was the word for your feelings yesterday," Jack countered.

She smiled again, "That's why you're different. Most men wouldn't care about the past, as long as they saw the future was all fixed up. As long as everything is okay now, that's what counts to them," she slipped her arms around him, head on his shoulder, speaking softly into his ear, "…I've known you for seven years. I've seen you at your worst and at your best….and I don't care about your faults…..I have just as many. I was stupid to think I could break bonds in an instant…and I'm sorry I hurt you."

"I'm sorry I hurt you too. I never knew you'd react that way…..then again, I should never have tried pulling a stunt like that," Jack answered quietly.

"The way I reacted was ridiculous. I didn't event try to talk it over with you. But you have to understand how I felt….it was as if you didn't want _me_; you wanted the dream," she closed her eyes.

"You thought I'd gone a few minutes ago, Sam," he chided.

"I know. I'm jumpy, I guess. Any other man I've loved has either decided to hurt me or give up on me."

"Any other man?"

"Well….there was this one _other guy.." she grinned._

"Who?" he sounded decidedly jealous.

"Tom. He always got me pink flowers-"

"Pink flowers?" he laughed.

"Pink flowers," Sam nodded, "Shame it had to end like that…"

"Huh?"

"He moved away. His mom decided the facilities in the next county over were better," she grinned again, "He was so sweet though. Before he left he made me a crown for my hair of the little pink flowers…"

Jack's eyes widened, "Exactly how old were you, Sam?"

She smirked, "Five. Young love."

"And how many other conquests did you make, Miss Carter?" he prodded her.

"That'd be telling," she laughed, "And I wouldn't want you getting jealous now, would I?"

He twisted round to face her, "Me? Jealous?" he kissed her gently, "Well…maybe a little."

Sam smiled, "I knew it…"

Jack's expression suddenly altered to one of complete seriousness, "Come back with me."

"What?"

"To the SGC. Come back. We need you."

She looked down, "…I don't know. If I go back…we aren't allowed-"

"We'll figure something out," he insisted.

"Will we? _Really?_" she stressed, "I know the world probably owes us a favour or two, but I don't see the rules being disregarded just for us."

"We'll figure something out," Jack repeated, "I promise. Trust me."

Sam searched his eyes for an answer, before snaking her arms around his neck and drawing him back to her, "…Just kiss me again…"

-


	8. Believing You

Notes: My computer absolutely totaled itself for some reason and I lost everything on it. And no, I'm the idiot who didn't make backups, thinking that a 100gig hard-drive with under 20gig in use wouldn't fail on me. But no. So I've got nothing here. Except a new hard-drive and a pretty much blank computer. I've lost everything I've ever written over the past two years. I'm not impressed. 

-

She woke up to find his weight against her back, arms around her, her own resting on his. She smiled slightly, feeling his breath ruffle her hair gently and decided against shifting at all, for this moment he was hers and she was his and nobody could come between them. They had been gentle with each other, despite seven years of suppressed passion threatening to overwhelm them both, though she had been surprised at the intensity of their union. Sam moved closer to him and promptly discovered that he too was awake as he gently kissed the back of her neck, making her shiver.

"Morning."

She shifted in his arms to face him, pushing him onto his back, smiling down at him, "Morning."

Jack kissed her in response, "A better morning, I presume?"

She grinned, "Oh yeah," Sam settled herself on his chest and kept an arm around him. 

He frowned and glanced at the clock, "…Not to be the duty-bound of us here, but aren't they expecting you at the Pentagon?"

Her eyes flickered toward the clock, sighing in contentment, "Katherine said not to come in until at least eleven."

Jack nodded appreciatively, "Remind me to buy that woman some chocolate."

Sam hid her face in his chest, trying not to laugh, "And I'm sure she expected me to be here in bed with my CO…" she mumbled, grin on her face.

He raised an eyebrow, "So I'm your CO again, huh?"

"Yes, Sir," she lifted her head to kiss him softly.

"And I guess that means you'll be coming back with me?"

Sam nodded.

"Good," he kissed her forehead.

She frowned slightly, "I suppose I should go tell the officers at the Pentagon."

"I doubt they'll be surprised," Jack replied,

"What?"

"I think I made it perfectly clear to them yesterday that I intended to take you back with me," he stated.

Sam smiled again, "Back where?" she answered suggestively.

"The SGC," he tried innocently.

She pouted, "..Not to your place?"

Jack feigned incompetence, "Why would I do that?"

"Well you've seen my place," she ran a hand down his chest.

He removed her hand and kissed it, "I'm sure you could come see my place," he grinned.

"How gracious of you."

"I thought so," he shifted his arm around her and pulled her closer to him, "Going to go resign?"

Sam blinked, "Two resignations in two weeks. That's got to be a record."

"Your CO must have one hell of a punishment in store for you," Jack laughed softly.

Her gaze met the clock again, "Well, he's got a good couple of hours to think of one."

"Oh really?"

"Really."

-

Two and a half hours later, Sam stood in front of the mirror, straightening her skirt. She'd become accustomed to seeing herself in this outfit, though she would certainly be glad to see the back of it. Somehow, she thought she'd never be pleased to see a pair of combats again.

"Ready to go?" Jack questioned, dressed in the same blue.

She checked one of her heels, "Yeah."

He caught the strange expression on her face, "What's wrong?" he stood behind her and captured her in his arms.

She frowned, "…Either way….I'm not me anymore…"

"What do you mean?" he rested his head against hers.

"In this outfit or back in BDU's. Its not me. I'm either the formal Major or the combat ready one…" 

Jack shook his head, "We love you for _you_, Sam, we all do."

She twisted her head slightly to look back at him, then back at the mirror, "…I don't want to get lost again."

"Well I don't want to lose you again, so I'm damn well not letting you go," he tightened his grip around her.

Sam smiled, breaking away from him and walking from the mirror, "Fight for each other?"

"Always."

-


	9. Leaving With You

Notes: Eeep. Sorry for not updating in ages. Thank you for reviewing. This is the last chapter; I intended to go on with it, but my muse abandoned me. Might be an epilogue later.

-

"Wow, you actually took my advice for once," Katherine smiled as the two women crossed paths on the way through the Pentagon's many corridors. The young woman frowned slightly seeing the second officer behind her, then making a hasty salute when she caught sight of his rank, "Sir."

Sam grinned, "Katherine, this is Colonel O'Neill."

"Good to meet you, Sir," she answered.

"You too, Major," Jack shook her hand, "I've heard a lot about you."

Katherine stared momentarily, "Oh….." she glanced at Sam, "_Oh._ I see."

"…Yeah…" Sam nodded.

"So _this_ is-" the Major quickly changed her tune seeing another officer approaching, "Your CO."

"Yes," Sam managed not to laugh, "this is my CO."

"…You'll be leaving us then, Sam?" she continued.

Carter nodded, "Once I get it all sorted."

The two women kept up the act until they were sure nobody else could be listening in.

"So this is what you guys get up to at the Pentagon," Jack commented slyly.

"You mean you thought we _worked_ here, Sir?" Katherine quipped, "Surely not. Its all coffee and conversation."

"I knew all along…." the Colonel smiled, "Hadn't we better get your resignation sorted, Major?" he laid a hand on Sam's shoulder.

"Yes, Sir," Sam grinned and met Katherine's gaze again, which only served to make her nearly brake down into giggles. She started to walk away-

"You've got a cute one there, Sam," her friend caught her arm on the way past, "and if he came all the way here to get you back…I'd say you've got the answers to your questions."

Carter nodded and smiled at her gratefully, "I know," she whispered.

Katherine nodded in a more formal manner and continued to walk away, "We'll go over some figures later, Major?" she called over her shoulder.

"Yes we will," Sam couldn't help but laugh, "Yes we will!"

"Corrupting the Pentagon staff, Major?" Jack whispered as they made their way toward her office.

She stared, "You're a fine one to talk!"

"Well if you hadn't have left, I could be corrupting my own staff…" he whispered.

"Surely not, Sir!" she replied in sarcastic shock.

"Well, I would demonstrate…"

"Colonel Jack O'Neill, you act your rank, not your…"

"My?" he grinned.

"Shoe size!"

-

"Excuse me, Sir?" Sam knocked on the slightly open door of her superior's office.

"Come in."

She entered the room, Jack behind her, and took one of the two seat available.

"Colonel O'Neill," the General nodded, "I heard you were somewhere in this labyrinth!" he reached across to shake hands.

"Yes, Sir," Jack nodded and took the offered hand, "A great number of offices you have here," he gave a half grin.

Sam rolled her eyes discretely and tried not to smile.

"What can I do for you, Major Carter?" the General's attention returned to her.

"I'd….like to request a transfer, Sir," she said slowly.

Somehow, the officer's eyebrows didn't meet the ceiling, "May I ask why, Major?"

That one stumped her. What was she supposed to say? 'Because the man I love came here to find me and I think we've sorted everything out now'? 

"No offense, Sir, but I've heard the SGC needs me more than I am needed here," she tried.

Jack coughed and shrugged, "What can I say, General? Two weeks and we miss her already."

"George Hammond did request that this assignment be temporary…" their superior mused, "I have to agree with him that you're wasted behind a desk, Major Carter."

"Erm…thank you, Sir.." Sam wasn't exactly sure what to say to that.

"Ah well. Its our loss, I suppose," he continued, "Yes, Major, you can consider yourself transferred back to the SGC, which is where I assume you wish to go?"

"Yes, Sir," she nodded.

"It'll take a couple of days for the paperwork to come through, but I assume you'll need that time to pack up everything."

"I think I'll have some help there, Sir," she smiled and tried not to look over at Jack.

"Looks like you can consider yourself recruited, Colonel," he grinned.

"The things I do for my team…" Jack replied.

"Well then, at the end of this working day, you're officially released from the Pentagon's staff, Major."

"Thank you, Sir," Sam nodded.

"You've got yourself a fine officer there, Colonel."

Jack smiled again, "I know, Sir," he stood up and left to leave behind Sam, "Believe me, I know."

-

Fin


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